Just a day after attending “Youth Meeting” our family went through a tragic incident that led me to question God’s Kindness. The youth meeting was held for three days, and I was so glad to attend all. The speakers were spiritually gifted; some were locals, whereas others were from outside the UK. I had a fantastic time, privileged to meet new people and happy to reconnect with old friends. Spiritually, I learnt a lot about myself and the gaps that I had in my spiritual life; it also helped me to gain confidence in Christ. Some questions were answered, and prayers were heard. Sitting on a chair listening to the speakers, testimonies was such an encouraging example. I was so pumped up with Holy Ghost and decided to live for Christ. Having attending those few holy days; I had no idea what was instored the next day!
I remember waking up the next day; hearing about our pet “Logan” who had been in a car accident and my brother was injured. I remember precisely the journey back home; waiting for the train at Andover station- I didn’t care how I looked without makeup or how frizzy my hair was. I cared less about the people walking passed me; watching me when the constant spring of tears flowing down my cheeks. The journey from Andover to London was the longest journey I recall. I had nothing but red eyes pouring out tears constantly, blowing my nose non-stop and a big head with lots of questions jumping out!
On 6th April 2018, our beloved pet Logan passed away. He was involved in an accident the day before. He had been hit by a car and was unable to walk. The X-ray later showed that his spine had been fractured very severely and would not be able to fix by the Vets. They suggested that even though we would love to save Logan, he would have had suffered a lot and he would have a very low life expectancy. They suggested it would be better to sedate him and euthanise him to give a dignifying death. Even though it was a heart-piercing thing to hear at that time but my brother chose to let go Logan respectfully. Today, I saw a brother grieving from losing his beloved pet. Today, I saw a mother grieving from losing a son’s pet, a family member, a family guard and the injuries caused by Logan on her son. Today, I grieved over an innocent Logan who knew nothing but giving love and joy! I wish I could just turn back the clock and I wish I could bring Logan back! I wish things were different! Sometimes, I wish that the Vet must have lied us, maybe Logan is still alive out there somewhere, somewhere safe and in a better place. I wish it was that simple.
It felt like someone just pricked my faith balloon with a needle. At that point, my faith had already shaken, and my three days of youth ministry’s faith was under the rubble. I had nothing left except to me on him because losing Logan felt like losing a part of yourself. It indeed left a significant scar on our hearts.
Remembering Logan
Nearly a year ago, my brother brought a new pet home (in the dark) because my parents didn’t like the idea of owning pets. We always had pets at home in Nepal, but ever since we moved into the UK, we have not had pets. The reasons being: a) not enough space b) not enough time for pets c) can be expensive d) pets can be challenging to look after. Despite the fact, Sulav brought a baby “Siberian Husky” inside my small Adidas gym bag. The puppy was just a few weeks old, he was very tiny, but it was the most beautiful puppy I had ever seen. They say homes are graced with the presence of a pet. Yes, there were many days Logan had brought us happiness and joy. I have seen my brother is happy and engaging like in ages….In fact, I do believe that Logan was therapy for Sulav, which was great.
On the other hand, our house was a mess. We loved him, but there were times where we all got furious at him. Times, where he messed around in our garden (which is very small), the house would smell his odour, he chewed on everything (shoes, envelopes, clothes, furniture, you get the idea). We used to scold him, tried to threaten him; he showed that he was guilty, and quietly hide in his hiding place (underneath the dining table). Regardless, our Logan, always loved us even though I was cruel to him. He gave us company when cooking:- his favourite thing to do was to lie right on our feet and lie his head. He used to use our feet to make his pillow (that was his comfort and relaxing place). Logan was always the first to welcome us home after our long tiring /bad days. He was always the first to welcomed us wagging his tail and sniffing crotches.
Ever since the incident, I began to question God, about his kindness, about his nature, about his existence! Moreover, to be honest, this experience isn’t the first time I felt like this. Every death is suffering, and suffering is hard. I had witnessed many deaths in my nursing career and more so when I was in “Hopital de l’Esperance.” I have witnessed innocent deaths resulting in unexplained pain and suffering among the livings. I have written a diary from some experience I have encountered, but I always feel like it’s not what I would love to post! As I would love to remember my days in Togo was a happy and fantastic adventure.
To deal with my emotional and grieving battles; my missionary friend Laura Stephens suggested to listen to a song called “Even if” by Mercyme. To help with my heartaches at Hopital de l’Esperance, I read a book called “Where is god when it hurts?” by Philip Yancey. This song and a book caused more sadness at first, but it did become my healing therapy as days passed by.
And today, when I lost Logan, I too needed something to put my heavy heart on rest. I would be lying if I said I prayed to God. No, I did not. I questioned him. I googled if my pet goes to heaven? If God cares for Logan? If God would consider Logan? However, I now see that I was covered with such big clouds of darkness!
How can we doubt a God who is so GREAT and yet so humble? The one who created heavens and Earth but also loved you and me and all living creatures. This love of his is hard to explain. God could have easily erased humanity during the time of Noah and could have created new Earth. However, being so kind and generous, he asked Noah to build an ark and commanded to bring animals with him. Yes, God cares for animals, and he looks after them. Psalm 147:9 says that our God is concerned for all his creation, and he provides food for them to survive. But in reality, grieving for a pet is not yet openly acknowledged, and for this reason, many people suffer in silence. As a Christian I believe, it is human nature to grief (in all living beings) as the Bible says that both man (Genesis 2:7) and animals (Genesis 1:30; 6:17) have the “breath of life” that is, both man and animals are living beings. Even in Proverbs 12:10 says “A righteous man regards the life of his animal….). I feel very guilty for not spending more time with Logan, not being kind towards him. If an almighty God cares for the animals, and if we are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), then how are we not supposed to care for the animals? God commanded humankind to, “ …..to have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” [Genesis 1:28]
Even in an old testament, [II Samuel 12:3]; the Bible talks about this poor man who “had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his meat, and drank of his cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.” This verse always reminds me of Sulav and Logan. Sulav bought the best treats, adorable toys and he gave Logan a loving companionship. My brother gave Logan a great life, and he indeed went above and beyond to make sure that Logan was always happy. I have seen that the baby Siberian Husky was raised to become a beautiful young Husky. These two were like brothers; they used to do things together; they used to go out together; they played together. I have seen that the depth of a relationship between an owner and their pet is profound and overwhelming. There is an unseen force of love, connection, and companionship where only an owner and pet experience. And the pet loves his owner unconditionally; it does not look for good looks, or a big house, how much money his owner makes. The pet is happy with his owner whatever the circumstances are, and the pet never leaves his owner. It was Sulav who truly gave Logan all the attention, unconditional love, and care.
Our Logan always loved us even though I sometimes was cruel towards him. I just loved how carefree he was and always hyper! Logan always loved people; he loved us! What an incredible living being our God had created! In Genesis, we know that when God created Earth, and it is creatures he said it was “good” SEVEN TIMES. I believe that God brought Logan into our lives, into our house for a reason, so that he could teach us a lesson, to show his everlasting love and grace. Even though Logan had a short life on this Earth, I do know that now he has been taken where God wants him to be. I know that God does care for our pet Logan, and I want to believe that he is now safe and happy in his resting place. I miss him every day; he sure will be remembered on Earth by many.
